Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong