[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix


CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work


Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.


I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.


I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.


I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.