@Playing_Dad

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

You Might Also Like

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@TEXASVETERAN

A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@RunOldMan

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.