@Playing_Dad

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct

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@QwertyJones3

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

@tacos_y_cerveza

CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work

@BillMc7

Pretty ironic how there’s an active ingredient in marijuana.

@jellybnbonanza

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

@shelldash

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

@AimeeHelene1

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.