saw this note on the bathroom door of my office
[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct
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*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.