Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.