Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.

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Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.


SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit


My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.


If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team


The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says “Cheese!” My immediate response is “Where!!”


Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion


professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings


me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish


I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.