No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Every BBC series about the universe.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.