Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?




M: Gravy?

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Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.


Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao


Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.


If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.


Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.


I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.


Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?


My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you


Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.


Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.