@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

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@blade_funner

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

@Tmoney68

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@michaelianblack

Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.

@lowendfury

go ahead and get in the pond since u wanna act like a silly goose

@theSolemnBard

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

@TheToddWilliams

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try