@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

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@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@GirlFromBlupo

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

@ericacanrant

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.

@junejuly12

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

@heatherlou_

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

@with_a_ph23

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@Lhlodder

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.