Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
#titanic
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground