Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.