New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?