@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

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@InternetHippo

*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*

@Bexdora

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@ch000ch

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

@primawesome

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”