Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
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Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.