Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: Finally a day I can sleep in
Birds: We’ll see about that lol
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
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dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids
kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family