@stephenjmolloy
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
@Kryzazy
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
@baronvonbike
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
@DrakeGatsby
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
@okiecorri
kid: [breaks open piñata] are these… receipts
dad: costs a lot of money to raise u kids
kid: [reads a receipt] is this one for the piñata
@Parkerlawyer
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
@Naggalie
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
@junejuly12
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
@MetteAngerhofer
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
@YourMomsucksTho
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
@SardonicTart