The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳