[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.