I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY
NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner
Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you’re saying they almost…
Mom: Don’t do it!
Dad: …mowed you down.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming