Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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wow
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs