@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

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@AbbyHasIssues

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

@Chocovania

GOOD COP: The sign on your door says NOTARY

NOTARY: Yes?

NOT A GOOD COP: *menacingly leans onto desk* Sounds like something a RY would say

@fro_vo

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

@TattleTSister

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.

@PeteOtway

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

@dogwithaknife

white gays are out of control, this dude on grindr just told me he had brunch at 6pm. boy that is dinner

@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming