@pleatedjeans

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

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@Fred_Delicious

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

@karanbirtinna

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

@Browtweaten

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

@itshotterhere

Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@trims_the_fat

I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”

@Ygrene

[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]

@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

@spicydisasterma

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night