Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

You Might Also Like


[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”


As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.


Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?



Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


[being murdered]
Me: hey stop for a sec
Murderer: what
Me: just want to say you’re really (finger quotes)…killing it
[murdering intensifies]


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night