Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

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me: “leave the door ajar on your way out”
jam salesman: [visibly confused]


[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*


Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.


Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.


I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.


Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.


I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.


T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.