[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
just pretend nothing happened
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.