Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
This is my emotional support knife.
house sitting!
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant