All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
How loud can you talk?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah