Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Covid like
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
the best thing i’ve ever made
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.