Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
(Jupiter –
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.