Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
then why did i get this email
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
🤣😂🤣
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”