Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
You Might Also Like
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.