Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..