Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.


Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.


I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.


Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.


The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.


Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.


Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.


EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.


Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit