@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

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@AmericanGent69

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

@Tmoney68

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit