Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?


If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.


For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.


The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.


[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*


Shia Labeouf always looks like he’s trying to teach math after someone just waved smelling salts under his nose.


After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.


🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.