[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.


No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.


[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]


Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”


I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.


*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting


I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.


My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches