[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
thanks auntie mary
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters