I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]