Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My daily affirmation
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.