superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.


I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.


website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo


started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds


Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT


I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.


My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.


Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.


I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.