@mrjohndarby

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

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@CruisinSoozan

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

@AllanForsyth

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

@TheHyyyype

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

@Dutch_50

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

@Darlainky

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

@LizHackett

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

@mack44_d

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.