superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…