Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
how much for the angry fruit?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?