Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
is it earth
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: