Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
#Caturday
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
