Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
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My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones