Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Meow?