Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”