Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

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[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i


“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said


It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.


ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet


Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad


Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed


No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.