her: any weird habits?
me: i switch words at inconvenient times
priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?
me: do i
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
You look like something I’d draw with my left hand
ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.