@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

@roxiqt

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

@atanya1111

So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

@skickwriter

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope