@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

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@justjohnselby

[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i

@daemonic3

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

@caraweinberger

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

@trojansauce

ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too
DATE:wow we should all meet up
[cut to us at a house of mirrors]
DATE: your brother is quiet

@NewDadNotes

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

@Buffalojilll

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

@mydmac

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.