*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
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My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope