Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast