Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

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I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.


*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…


Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.


– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.


My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.


interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying “fortnight” they have to become your butler.