I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
– What’s your cell phone?
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying “fortnight” they have to become your butler.