Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.