*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
You Might Also Like
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If snakes were wide
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
finally found a reasonable question
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS