You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.