@noogscorner

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

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@Scdavis24

If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.

@ryaninco

Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@TweetPotato314

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

@briancthayer

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@JodingersCat

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@mydmac

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!