Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I mean…but I did
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Barbie gone wild
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My life coach traded me.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick