If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!