@LackOfShame: Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe. - spider moms, probably

@ClichedOut: [being murdered] me: are u Scottish murderer: yes me: then I guess u could say i'm being kilt [murdering intensifies]

@jdbalani: The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

@hippieswordfish: ME: i thought i saw a new color today WIFE: wait- is this..are you.. M: but it- W: oh no M: was just- W: dont M: a pigment of my imagination

@Holy_Mowgli: [spelling bee] JUDGE: the word is "semicolon" ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: not really, no