
If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.
Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!