Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀