superman landing like a plane on his belly
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*