Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

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[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster


*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Me: I’m also good at directions


How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed


How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it


A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.


Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?

Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me


“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.