ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I’m also good at directions
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?
Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me
“What do u do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape.”
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.