Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
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*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
For them to grow
Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.
I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.
Odin is a king, Thor got his gender switched to a woman, Disney owns Marvel. So Thor is….A DISNEY PRINCESS KINDA!
Doe. A deer. A female deer.
Ray. My sex offender neighbooouur.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance