Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Smells like a challenge to me
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.