[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
You Might Also Like
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?
Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.