@SamTR7

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

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@HlessHman

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

@AnOrangeSNES

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*

@bridger_w

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.

@Robert_Beau

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@BoogTweets

Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”

@Amburglar_

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.