SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”