4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
good for her
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
S/o to @funTweeters .
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???