*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.