*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
cry laughing at this shit
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.