@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

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@KMoFlo_official

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

@Wine_Honey1

People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@QwertyJones3

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

@novicefather

You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@xlr8tor87

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice