@TheMichaelRock

Superman: Who’s gonna be Batman?

*leaves Earth*

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

@squidslippers

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

@SortaBad

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

@ronleibach

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

@_davidlucas_

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

@DitzMcGeee

actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.

@ddsmidt

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.