Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Superman: Who’s gonna be Batman?
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: truth or dare
me: are birds real
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
actually, my grandfather died in a pumpkin spice mine, but you go ahead; enjoy your murder latte.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.