Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.