Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye