@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

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@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@dshack8

First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

@Ygrene

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@TheSweetestD_

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

@randypaint

publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

@carlyken

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

@3sunzzz

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.