@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

You Might Also Like

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

@ehdannyboy

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

@GaryJanetti

Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.

@Rica_Bee

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@StrangerTings5

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

@BucMarvin

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

@clindsaysway

Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”