Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”