[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

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If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.


“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.


[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*


I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works


To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”


(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”


Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin


WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.