@Gupton68

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

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@hazelmotes1

If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.

@topaz_kell

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

@_Tempo11

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

@GloriaFallon123

To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”

@OrdinaryAlso

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@LeftAtLondon

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

@BoogTweets

Me: What do you give the girl that has everything

My Mom: Penicillin

@dave_cactus

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.