[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?