If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: What do you give the girl that has everything
My Mom: Penicillin
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.